No I'm not a perfect mommy!

I read a post the other day that really hit me as something that needs to be talked about .This post {which you should read here if you have a moment} was all about how homeschooling your kids cannot guarantee that they will be amazing, kind, perfect adults. They will make their own choices, follow their own paths, and live their own lives. Now we all know this, but sometimes its easy to get caught up in that idea that says, since we put so much love and energy into our kids, we can change how they turn out. WE cant. I was homeschooled all through my school years and I know quite a few homeschoolers that i met over the years. Now I don't know many of them personally, but if Facebook is anything to go by, they are no better or worse the most other people. On one hand this busts the whole socialization myth :) on the other it means we cant predetermine how our kids will turn out. This is something that I never want to hide from. Now this sounds rather depressing, but instead it filled me hope. I am not a perfect mommy. I love my kids like crazy and I do so much for them, but I am not always the most intentional parent and I yell. I hate these things about myself and I think that I am for sure ruining them. Here I am working so hard to prepare their environment so that they can learn and grow and reach everything they are meant to be, yet I yell and I don't take as much time as I should to be with them. Ugh. I want to be better. I want to make sure that I do everything I can to give my kids a happy life, but I cant control them. So all I can do is my best. My best to love them, to give them a peaceful home, and to guild their hearts to God. Yet it still guarantees nothing.
So what it boils down to is planting seeds. The bible tells us about the sower who sows seeds all over and how some of them fall on the ground, some on the path, some in the rich dirt. I know that Jesus is the sower,but we are his workers here in our home. So we are called by him to sow seeds. Seeds of Love, seeds of beauty, seeds of peace,  seeds of grace, seeds of understanding, seeds of forgiveness, seeds, and seeds of joy. However, sowing those seeds requires that we give them time. Everyone knows that a gardener doesn't just throw seeds down to get a good crop, he needs to water, weed, and carefully tend the ground in order to get the best results. Just so with our kids. We need to give them time. They need our careful tending when they are young, and they still need tending even as they grow! Our little plants grow fast, but there are still moments where they need us. Sometimes they need more care then at other time. If the sun is beating down on them relentlessly, then they may need water from us more then at others. Sometimes the weeds crop up and try to choke them out, and they need us to help them overcome. And sometime they are doing just fine and need to be left alone! This require so much observation on our end. Sometimes when kids ask us something really odd, there is something they are thinking about and they want us to talk with them. Sometimes they need a hug. Sometimes they want to be alone. Now I know my little kiddos are still really small, but I can already see the wisdom of letting them be when they need to be alone, and of letting them talk when they need to talk. Now just because I know doesn't mean I am always good at it. I tend to listen, while I'm on the computer, I tend to hug, but only at bed time, I want spend time with them, but I cant wait till they are all in bed! So what do I do to change? I apologize. I am not a perfect mommy, but then no one is.  We all have faults and so do our kids. We are all on a journey together and I hope that we can continue on that way!
I hope that this makes sence. It is alot of thoughts that have been swirling about in my head and I wanted to get them out! :) Thanks for stopping by and sharing thses thoughts with me! Happy Schooling!

Child-like Enjoyment

" Indeed, not every age can receive every aspect of the Christian reality and, in our estimation, early childhood is the time of serene enjoyment of God. We have already mentioned the aspect of enjoyment in the religious fact; we believe that it is afforded too little attention in general, and particularly in relation to the religious initiation of children." ~ Sofia Cavalletti, The Religious Potential of the Child

I have been reading this book for my training in the Catechises of the Good Shepherd and this passage really came to my attention. Enjoyment....it seems that it so often alludes me {especially when me depression creeps up}. I want enjoyment. I want to be serene and happy and at peace with God. I have been blessed as of late to witness the prayers and thoughts of children and they are amazing! They are never sorry {at the ages of 3-6 they haven't gotten to the age of reason} and they thank him for everything! Their prayers are happy and positive and full of overwhelming thoughts that they cant even put into words! In fact they have a hard time finding the words to say what they are thinking. Do your prayers sound like that? Mine don't. They are full of sorrow, of exhaustion, of petition, with a few thanks thrown in for good measure. Prayer should be a happy time. When a child is spending time with a parent they are happy no matter what is going on. They have mom's attention and they are happy, even if things are really bad around them. When we come in contact with God we should have that too. In fact he wants us to be happy to talk to him! He wants us to enjoy our time with him even if its a brief time in the middle of everything else that is stressful. Enjoying God is not something that is talked much about, but I think that it is just as important as feeling sorrow over our wrongs and empathizing with others. If you are in a relationship that you don't enjoy then it will die and that happens so quickly.
So how to change that? For me I think that just reading the Bible. Not trying to gain huge inspiration, but just to read and spend time with God and enjoy that will be a big start. Children, when they discover something, have this look of amazed wonder on their face that is so beautiful! Its starts with realization, and blossoms into the biggest smile and look of wonder as they connect the dots of what they have learned. I have those moments sometimes when I read something or see something that makes all the things going on make sense. All of a sudden it dawns and you can see the bigger picture! If I take the time to read the Bible maybe it will allow me to have more moments of discovery where I see what is going on in my life as part of the bigger picture that God has.To not just see the hard days {where the dinner is awful, the kids didn't nap, the house is in shambles, I am crying} as the only part of my life. But to see them as God does. To see them as a child does, just another day to learn something, try something, and move on. Children don't seek discovery, they absorb it as it comes. I don't need to be a bible scholar to have beautiful moments of enlightenment! Thank God for that! I just need to wait for God's timing and be joyful until the time is right! Wait for God to show me what I need to see! I just need to seek time of enjoyment with him!
 So I think that we need to "become like little children" and enjoy our time with God. We need to revel in the joy that he brings and to rediscover the passion of discovery in small and big blessings! And sometimes that means waiting with happy anticipation {like a kid at Christmas}! I praise the Lord for the chance to see for myself the faith of a child. It is simple, beautiful, and happy! Thank you Lord for these moments to see into small souls and be humbled by it.

Sparkles of Grace!!!!!

Today I read a blog post by Elizabeth Foss at In the Heart of My Home. She was pondering how her life reflects God's love and she said something that really stuck with my:

"What is my translation of the Bible as it is lived out in my own home and at the ballet studio and on the soccer sidelines and here in my small corner of cyberspace? Is it Christ? Is that obvious? Can you catch it? Does the way I live toss Christ high into the air in a million sparkling pieces of grace so that they fall about me everywhere and on everyone to be caught, even sometimes unawares?"

Does the way I live toss Christ high in the air in a million sparkling pieces of grace so that they fall about my everywhere and on everyone to be caught, even sometimes unawares? WOW! What a powerful question to ask. I love the imagery of sparkles in the air! Does my life look like that? Am I leaving sparkles everywhere for everyone?
I starting thinking about bits of glitter, you know that kind that we use on our kids crafts, that stuff goes everywhere! I mean, tiny dots of glitter on a paper can leave glitter in every room of the house! Awful for cleaning, but it is a great image of how we want our love to be. Do my bits of love and care spread about even when I only have a little bit? I would like to think so. I would like to think that each little thing I do can bring joy for more then just the moment it happens! It seems that having project time for my girls allows them to fell closer to me and they seem to be happier. Sparkles! I think that my husband feels better and more relaxed when I take the time to rub his feet. Sparkles. its the small bits that add up to big love! Think about the Gosple stories of Jesus, he did little thing. He heals the child, tells stories with friends, feeds hungry people. Not huge things that change the whole world at once, but small things that matter to real people in their daily life. He cares about all the things that are important to us, and most of the time those are small things! :) Just like glitter is small and get into everything, our actions can be small and make a diffence! It is a thought to ponder as I head into a new week.

What will I do this week to spread sparkles of Christ to those around me?

Children ARE blessings!!!

http://sewliberated.typepad.com/sew_liberated/2011/08/trying-it-on.html

Does anyone need to remind themselves about how much of a blessing our kids are? They are gifts that we are lucky to have, but sometimes....its hard. The last few days {to be honest the last couple of weeks} have been really rough for some reason. I have been yelling alot, the kids are crying alot, and things seem really chaotic! This is not how I want things to be here. I want to have that perfect happy home, where everything is in its place, and I am really there with my kids, not just in the room. I know that it cant be that way all the time and that sometimes things will be rough, but I really don't know what to do. It is so easy to assume that the lovely moms out there that blog are all such loving perfect and sweet tempered moms. I'm sure that this is true, and that they have issues too. I mean people think I am that perfect mom! Yikes! I am not that. I need to set my resolve to stop yelling. Easier said then done I assure you. I really just feel like things bubble up and I cant take anymore! Having Bug and Tadpole here is hard. 4 kids instead of 2 is hard. Pup isn't napping {if she does its because I lay down with her for at least an hour to put her to sleep} and she is wetting her pants all the time again {not full all over the floor wetting, just enough to make laundry!}. On top of that I am tired and Bunny seems rather clingy. Now I know that this list is just plain ol' complaining. Its not really that bad. Compared to some lives, mine is a walk in the park! What I really think is that it all boils down to me and my attitude. I need to change. I need to put on a smile even if I feel like crying, and I need to hug my kid when I feel like slapping. I need to really think before I act, and to plan ahead so I am not so spastic. I know part of what is going on is the jump back into school and babysitting. Its an adjustment for me and the kids. I need to take that into consideration. Their routine has changed and so things are feeling not right to them either.
What we need is a new rhythm. We need to have the expectations well laid out so that when we need to flexible everyone knows what they need to do. This is something that I forget about. How little changes can really affect the family and the way we do things. Just typing this out has really offered clarity and brought some peace. There are many times that things swirl around and around in my head and just having a place to get it all out helps me to see what I need to do. So I guess I need to really think hard about how we operate, then make some changes. One of the things that really needs to be attended to is the cooking. I need to plan it out so we have food that is good, healthier, and on time! :) I also have to work out the best way to do school time with the extra two we have here. Tadpole is a handful and like to be busy, but the other three need some attention too. When I do a circle time, I am half trying run after Tadpole and half trying to read. The results are less then wonderful. I think that if I can change these important first moments in the school room, the rest will go better. I will have to post up our new plan as I get it. What I need to keep in mind is my attitude! I can change and things can be better! God wants me to change and I know that he will help me do thins. It wont be easy, but it can be done! Wish me luck! Thanks for listening!

Overwhelmed~ part 2

So in mt last post I really needed to think and I used my dear blog to help me do just that! It worked. I was able to see what was wrong and out of balance. What happened was that I was in a sort of weird competition with my husband. He works crazy hard for our family so that we can all have what we need, and I feel bad that all I do is be at home with the kids. Now I know that this is a noble and hard job too, but he is working 16 hour days in weather that is in the 100s with humidity to rival a rainforset. It just doesn't seem that I can do enough here that will even put me in the same league as him. So yesterday I thought that I would start tearing the house apart in an effort to work hard enough to be at the same level as him. Yes I know that this is the most ridiculous thing ever, but it was how I was feeling. All that this did was create a hell for me and my kids that just wasn't good for anyone. So now that I see the problem, I could fix it. So when I got home I talked to my hubbie (who thought I was a wee bit crazy) and now that I have the issue out in the open I feel better, freer. This brings up an issue that I really think is a big one for many people~ competition. It is deadly to a relationship. With me in competition with my husband, I was not being sympathetic to what he was living through (I was irritated when he wanted me to rub is back or take a nap), I wasnt interested in being with him (hey we were competing and who wants to be with someone you are trying to beat?), it was slowly poisoning our marriage. This is not just something that happens in marriages though. I have caught myself unconsciencsly competing with my friends and with family. Sometimes their kids are better at somethings, or they are thinner, sometimes they work harder or they have cleaner homes. It is something that can easily make a person bitter and mean toward people they know simply because they are in a race to be better. The craziest thing is that the other person, like my husband, has no idea that you are competing. :) So here is to not competing about things that dont need to be competed with! Here is to being a nicer happier person!

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. This is how I am feeling right now in crazy HUGE amounts! I have literally been cry my eyes out for an hour. It started by being Monday (yes I know a horrible cliche). Monday is the day that I get my house cleaned for the week. Normally this is not a problem, its no fun, but not a problem. However this past week I have been feeling like my cabinets and closets are booby trapped to get me when I open them, and that the cobwebs are creeping toward me, and the dust bunnies are turning into armies! Yes it sounds funny, buts its not. So I thought that I should think about doing my yearly clean out early, but then the reality of all the work that that requires starts to hit me full force and I start to panic. Not just "ok calm down panic" but the real kind that says "I'm going to cry, dont get near me, I'm shaking like crazy". Dont get me wrong, my house isnt that bad. On the surface its pretty clean, but once you start to look close it gets bad. However the question that I have here isnt about how to clean the house (heck I can always pony up the money and hire someone to do it if it comes to that) its why the crazy emotional reaction? Why do I feel like if I dont get the house scrubbed to perfection that I will have failed as a wife and mother somehow. Huh? Thats crazy. What makes it crazier is that I KNOW its crazy and I still cant stop the feeling! I think that part of it comes from the fact that my husband works so hard. He has been working 12 hour days for weeks without rest because we are that busy (we have our own company) and I somehow feel that I should be working just as hard. But I dont, I stay home with the kids, cook decent meals (I'm not Martha Stewart, but the food is good), clean enough to make it look ok, and spend awful amounts of time on the computer. I also play with the kids, work on getting their school plan together for next year, and various other little things that all moms do (like scooping the dead rabbit into a bag that the dog killed and giving the dog a bath). When I put it all down I sound like I have it together, but I still feel lazy. I am doing all the things that I need to do, and I am tired and stressed feeling. That is not even having to be in the 107 degree temps that we have had. I should be working hard and doing more. Hence the "let me try and clean out the house". So with this very crazy reasoning, I dug into a couple of closets today with the girls. thought that it wouldnt be so bad. It was only 10 in the morning and I only needed to clean 3 bedrooms and the bathroom up there. I should easily be able to do that before noon right? Well......let me tell you what....I was crying, the kids were crying, everyone was yelling. It was not good. I did get the closets cleaned and I got two garbage bags of stuff to get rid of, but the rooms still need to be dusted and the beds still need to be made and the kids didnt get lunch and naps until really late. And that puts us here. I am writing (on my mom's advice whom I called in distress right before I put the kids down) to try and figure out what I should do. Overwhelmed. That is what I am. I feel like God is asking (or strongly suggesting) that I change quite a few areas in my life right now. I am working on changing how I eat and feel about food, changing how I talk to my kids, changing how I deal with my family, changing how I look at him, changing.....I just cant change any more right now and the thought of tearing my house to shreds just to clean seems like a ridiculous idea. I mean if I do one room a day it takes me easily 2 -3 weeks to get though everything. I cant do it. But that still leaves me with dust bunny armies and cabinets that are on the attack.
Well the kids just woke up so thats all for now. I hope I can find an answer while I make beds! :) I'll have to post the answer when I find it.

Time is more important.

Well once again the Lord has been hitting me over the head with the idea that I am not perfect! ;) This time it is about being a mom. I love my kids, I love their thoughts, and smiles, and games. But lately I have not taken the time to be with them. I am on the computer or working on something that I think is more important. This is hard for me to give up. I think that I find great purpose in working on my little projects for their school plan or for Church. Not that these things are bad or that I don't need to do them, just that I have lost balance. I so worried about doing them, that I am not taking the time to read or play or talk much with my kids! Yikes that sounds awful when its actually written out. This is something though that I am glad that the Lord has brought to my attention. I needed to see it. I think Its been a problem for a little while and could be part of the problem with behavior in them (they are looking for attention) and grouchy in me (i am not doing what I am supposed to be doing). So it is now time to practice what I preach. I need to respect my kids enough to get off the computer and interact with them as people. I need to apologize for that too. I read an article today about how we don't admit our own faults to our kids. When we yell at them (yes I do that sometimes) do we take the time to apologize for that unacceptable behavior? I don't always remember to do that. I have been working so hard here to find a good way for the girls to handle their emotion in a healthy way, but if I don't admit that I need to work on that too, then ho will they learn it right? I need to model the behavior that I want them to learn. So I think that something God is really leading me to is to make a prayer table (or in the Montessori world at peace table) in my home. Not as a way to replace timeouts or anything like that (there is a place for timeouts I think), but as a place for the girls and I to go when we are stressed, angry, or need a moment. I want them to calm down and talk, not just by themselves, but with God too. He should be a part of the process. I want them to handle emotion properly, but they cant do it alone (I never have at any rate). I want them to find it second nature to sit with God when they need help or are happy or are angry. I want them to feel at a young age that he is there as their friend. I think this will help. It can also be a place for me to pray and reflect. I'm not sure yet where this space will be, but I have an idea. I have some small chairs that the girls love to sit in, so I think that I will sew a small bag for the back of it to put their journals and prayer books in there. I want a statue of the Good Shepherd there too, so they can remember that God is with them. I will have to work on that this weekend! I am hoping that this will bring us all a little closer to God and each other!

What do yo do with your kids to help become better people?

Who is God?

Come on....we all ask it! Who is God? Have you ever stopped to think about who God is to you? God is all things, but this is so broad and huge! Like taking the time in school to narrow the topic for a paper, we sometimes need to narrow what God is so that we can begin to understand him better. We cant love something, without knowing what we love! So....here are my thoughts on what God is to me.
He is a friend, and more then that. He is close to me like my husband is, he loves me through the tantrums, through the good times, through the times when my obsessions in certain things veers outside of normal. He is big enough to handle my screaming profanities at him when I feel like the world is ending (usually this happens at night while I am alone in the shower), and he is capable of bringing me back down into a calmer state of mind that allows me to see when I have been unreasonable. He wants to know about my life and my worries, and my joys! He asks me to be a better person (sometimes gently and sometimes not). He has lead my life in twists and turns that have shocked and frightened me, but that turned out better then I could have ever imagined for myself! He never lets me down. He says now when I need it, and yes when it something that will bless my life forever! He is always there!
That I guess is the best way to say it. He is always there like a friend. No matter how many times I forget to talk to him or listen to him, he is always there, waiting, and listening to all the things that I have to say!
When I write all of this out I realize that it make me feel so much closer to him, to appreciate all the amazing things that he does for me. He gives me small blessings and big miracles. I take all of it for granted more then I would like to admit, I forget him for longer then I should, and still I know that I can reach out and he will be there waiting with love. What an amazing gift of love that is!

{Thank you God for all of this. For all the things that you are that I dont always remember to thank you for. For all the ways that you forgive, love, and bless me. Thanks you that I am able to have this always no matter what happens in my life! Please dont let me forget it (and if I do please remind me)! I want to always be thankful for you being you!}

Who is God to you?

Smallest Blessings!



I was out walking the other day and I happened to look up and see the most amazingly tiny, and perfect baby leaves up in a tree. They were so perfect and so sweet. I actually paused and looked at them. I thought about how amazing that God is to be able to make such small and perfect things! The next day I was out walking again, and I stopped at the same tree to see the leaves again. They were gone. Shriveled up in all the hot sun we have had. I was disappointed because I was going to take a picture. :) As I walked on I realized that those small leaves were a tiny gift of God that was just for me. Most likely I was that only one that saw them. They were too small to live in the heat we have had, and were only there for a short time. It made think that God loves us, me, so much that he made something that was there just to bless my life for a small moment. How many of those gifts do we not notice or that we don't realizes as a gift? How many small moments are just for us? Another example that came to mind while I was thinking was the time a couple of weeks ago that Pup came up to me a squished her cheek against mine and said "I love you Mommy. You are pretty". I have been having such a hard time with my self esteem and alot of it is due to weight. It amazed me that she said something that I needed to hear. She has never said that again to me or anyone else. It struck me that her saying that was a gift from God to me. God know just what we need to hear and sometimes her uses the voice of others to tell us!

What small gifts has God given you for a moment?

The Reason for this Blog



The past few days I have been thinking alot about life, what is important, and what amazing things I have been blessed with. This has left me with a great deal of thoughts that are all mixed up in my head. So to fix that I have started this blog! I have named it Peace, Love, and Blessing  because to me these are the three most important things that a person is given. Everything you could want is summed up in those words! This is my space to write about the inspirations, the blessings, and the beauty that God has given to me in my life! A place to remember the good and to reflect on things that need changing in me. I am on a path to become the best person that I can be, and this is the recorded journey! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inspirations as well! Peace and Smiles.