Ash Wednesday Thoughts

Oh I have been thinking and prepping for weeks about what I will do to live Lent this year. In the past few years I have forgotten about it until it was upon me and then I played very bad catch up the rest of the season. It was not lived well, and this year I am determined to do better. My plan this year was to be small. Not to make huge promises to God that I knew were destined to fail before I got to March. I wanted to have a chance at making a new habit that would be better for my family. The plan was to stay off the computer in the morning. This would allow me to devote time to my kiddos and get some things done that needed to be done. I will admit, I am an interent junkie! I love it! I love to blog, I love Pintrest, I love to see all the amazing things that other people have been up to. But I think I have taken it too far. I know that I cant stop blogging. I love to write, to record our memories and the thing that  I do with my kiddos. But I need to love them more. To find time for them and for God and my husband. So I started off my morning by making sure that I was not on the computer. And as the morning wore on I was dying to sit and get absorbed. So I justified and by lunch I was sitting and reading some blog posts from Elizabeth Foss. Now Elizabeth is a honest, holy, and completely amazing mom. Her thoughts force me to look deep at myself and to change. So I guess it was actually a very good thing for me read. She wrote a series of posts about the time she took to transform her own life. Time to see what she was doing wrong, to see what she needed to change, and time to do it. They made me think, they made me cry, and they changed my Lenten plan. I no longer think I need to stop being on the internet during the morning, but all day. Gulp! I don't want to. In fact the tears are still on my cheeks from me heartbroken prayer to God. I don't want to. I don't want to offer that much! I know that I will still have my evening, but it isn't enough. So here I am typing my thoughts out. I think that in my deep thinking and soul searching I will still have to stop by here and write when the thoughts are just too much to keep inside. Moments like now they will eat me alive! I have always journal my feeling out and this is no different. So I apologize in advance for the horrible grammar, spelling, and everything else. Short of a quick run though and a quick spell check, you are reading exactly what I am thinking.
In the series of posts that Elizabeth wrote, she started off with exercise, diet, and prayer. Then she began to see what she was doing that needed to be changed. I think that I am there. I have started to become more aware of what I am eating, and I know that I need to exercise. I am also seeing thing that need to change. Brutal honesty here, I am a mean mom.. I yell like a crazy woman and I am not emotionally available to my kids as I should be. I keep thinking that I am parenting wrong or I need a new tip, but I think that I literally need to get off the computer and just be with them. I know that I keep saying it, and now it is time to do just that! So my new Lenten plan is this: limited computer time during the day. That means, check emails (not every moment), read some inspirational blogs that make me better at what I do (I need to hear a pep talk sometimes), look up a recipe if I need one for dinner (my computer is my cook book) and maybe type an occasional blog post here if there is something that cant wait (like now). Other then that, nothing until night time, no Pintrest, no endless blogs I like to read, no Facebook. So what to do during all this time. Well I can cook, play, and clean. I want to have intentional time with each child each day! My hubbie too! I need to make sure that I take time each day for them individually. So....deep breath....this will be good for us. God is asking it of me and I know I will be better for it. But I know it will hurt like hell for a while! I guess, as I scan over this, I realize that I am not going small after all! ;) Wish me luck and send your prayers! Happy Lent!

Thinking and Changing.



Yesterday we went for a nature walk together, just me and the girls. It was wonderful and full of special little moments. One thing that really stuck out to me was something Pup said to me. She had given me a stick and I asked her what it was for. She told me she didn't know. So I asked her if it was to poke her with and I gently poked her back. She turned around, and with all the  sternness of a two year old, told me
"No. You cant poke me, I am made by God. You have to be careful with me!"



Deary me it was too cute! But it also made me really think. Do I treat my kids with that kind of care? God made their little selves and do I respect them like that? How do my actions reflect the love of God to them? Not always so well I am afraid. There have been alot of moments of late that have made me cringe. So what does taking care look like?  What is it that I should do when things are making me insane and I feel like screaming my head off?



I have been reading quite a few articles in the archives of In the Heart of my Home. Elizabeth is such a gifted writer and a gifted mother. She brings things down to a real level for moms in day to day life. And in my reading and reflection I realize that there are  few main areas that need me to attend to now. One of those things is being able to grab at joy, even when there is no joy to see. As Elizabeth puts it to fight for the joy that lies just under the weight of the crosses. Faking it until I make it. I know that it is possible. I have experienced how a bad mood can disappear as soon as a friend walks through the door, or I am blessed with a timely phone call. All of a sudden the peace that was evading me shows up unexpectedly! I guess I never really thought about doing it on purpose! Faking it until I make it! Fake peace and joy when I feel like crying and screaming. Hmmm....its an interesting thought. What if I hold the crazy in and fake a smile when the little one pees in her pants after I told her to go potty not two minutes before. What if I change the criticizing tone of voice when a little one whines and declares that she just cant read that word and never will. What if I take a deep breath and sing along with the song that had been shouted through the house even though I want it to stop before I go mad! (I think you all see that ours is not a quite house). Maybe this will make our home a better, more loving, and peaceful space. I will try it out and see what happens. It may be just the right way of looking at things so that I can make some changes!

Another thing that really needs to be worked on is Discipline. I need to find a way that we are all going to work together to do what we need to do. I use time outs for a great many things, but they seem like they don't work for some things. So I yell. That however backfires when they yell back and we are all yelling at the same time! This isn't it. I have tried the gentle parenting type approach, where you don't tell them what to do or use any punishment at all, and that just lead to crazy, unhappy, mean kids. Sometimes things need happen because I said so! So how to work that out. What is the best way to work that? This Post really helped to put a bit of perspective to it all. I am in charge of life in this house, because God said I was. It is my job to make sure that you do what needs to be done and I'm not being mean telling you what to do. Yet, I shouldn't need to punish. They should do it because I told them too and they should have the discipline of self to do that. I think that I need to really take hold of my position of authority, and own it. It is my job to teach, observe, and guild, before I get to the point of explosion! In the post, Elizabeth mentions that a child who is acting out, need something, and that something usually more mom time. They need to be under a more watchful eye, and to have more guidance. Do I think I will do away with time outs? No, because sometimes I need to have time away for a moment to calm down, and so do they. But I think I need to place more effort into talking to them afterwards about their behavior. I need to teach so that I don't need to correct so often. Tapping into the Montessori method, I think that maybe we would all benefit from some Silence Exercises. Maria Montessori placed strong emphasis on silence for small children because it allowed them to practice self control. This self control would then permeate all their other work as well. This silence is a time to practice self control, but it also offers a chance to be quite with God. Its so simple and yet it seems so hard to work into the schedule. But with Lent coming, I think it is something that needs to be woven into the fabric of our days.

Oh this is such a long post! I really feel bad about how long it is. I even thought about deleting it. But this is how I really resolve such complicated thoughts that seem to run though my head, so I will leave it. :) I hope that it helps to remind me of the things that I am learning! If you have any thoughts or ideas, feel free to comment! Talking sometimes does a world of good! Thanks for popping by! Peace and Smiles!



Slowing Down....

Silence. Simplicity. Peace. Undivided attention. Slow. Soft. Gentle. All of these words make me stop and take a deep cleansing breath of air. To pause, shake out stress, and smile. They make me want to be better. Slowing down is something I want in my life (maybe a bit more since the birthday marathon, but I am always trying to slow). I want to remember to take the time to connect with my family and to spend that quality time with them. Time is fleeting. It goes fast and so does the chance to get things done. To finish that book, to fold that laundry, to exercise, to cook, to clean, to prepare the next weeks lessons, to blog. :) All of these things are so important, some more then others, but all have value. But I find that in my hurry to finish the things that need to be done, I forget to take the time to hug my kiddos, to play a game, to sing a silly song, to read a book. These little things really dont take much time. In fact they are the easiest and fastest things to do. The stress of my "to do" list never ends and it wears on me. I have noticed that my heart is uneasy. I am trying too much, doing too much, and that makes me a snappy, grumpy mom. I am unhappy, they are unhappy, and the house feels miserable.



As I type I really realize that its not that there is too much to do. I can do what I have set out on my list. What the problem is, is that I know I need to be a better person. To stop being on the computer so much (yes I know its ironic to say that as I type it out), to stop wasting time reading other people's world, as my own starts to fall to bits around me. I use to feel that I needed to read the other blogs that I love daily. But this past week, with all the birthday preparations, I have not had as much time to. And, guess what? They all go on without me! :) They dont need me to read them daily (though I'm sure that they appreciate it). I let it go and life was easier. My time is needing to be reevaluated. I should play a game with my girls instead of reading another blog post. It would make them happy. And it would honestly make me happier. It would give peace because I am doing what God wants from me. These little things, take so little time from the rest of the busy day. How long does a hug take? How long does a quick game of memory match take? How long does a story take? Not much. In the light of all the hours of a day that we have, all of these things would take less then a half of an hour! So why then are they the first things to go? Why do the things that bring the most peace and joy drop off the list first? I dont know. I wish I did. There are always going to be things that need to get done. I will always have places to go, things to do, and people that need me. But I dont need to let that frenzied feeling dig into my soul and make me feel insane.



Peace can prevail, even in times of busyness. This feeling is one that really affects me as a mom, as a teacher, as a wife, as a woman. It can destroy a person so fast. I feel it eating away at me, and unless I stop it by slowing down, I feel like my moments of insanity will become my new normal. I dont want this. I dont want to be the mom that yells, that is too busy with her own things to pay attention, that cant seem to pull it together. And yet this is starting to become me. So I need to stop and I need to do. What a paradox! I need to stop wasting time, and start being available for my kiddos. I need to stop saying not right now, and start saying let do that! Its hard for me, and yet I pray for success. I know that the Lord is asking it of me. I really dont want to give things up, but I must. It is for my good, for my family's good. It will be worth it in so many ways!  It was on of the resolutions I made at the beginning of the year ( you can read all of that here). I guess its good to review to stay on track. If you all can send a small prayer my way, I would appreciate it! And I am praying for all of you out there who are doing your best and trying to be all that you can be. It may not always be easy, but it is worth it! Peace and Smiles!
If you want to read more amazing and thoughtful posts on this, stop by In the Heart of my Home and Amongst Lovely Things.

No I'm not a perfect mommy!

I read a post the other day that really hit me as something that needs to be talked about .This post {which you should read here if you have a moment} was all about how homeschooling your kids cannot guarantee that they will be amazing, kind, perfect adults. They will make their own choices, follow their own paths, and live their own lives. Now we all know this, but sometimes its easy to get caught up in that idea that says, since we put so much love and energy into our kids, we can change how they turn out. WE cant. I was homeschooled all through my school years and I know quite a few homeschoolers that i met over the years. Now I don't know many of them personally, but if Facebook is anything to go by, they are no better or worse the most other people. On one hand this busts the whole socialization myth :) on the other it means we cant predetermine how our kids will turn out. This is something that I never want to hide from. Now this sounds rather depressing, but instead it filled me hope. I am not a perfect mommy. I love my kids like crazy and I do so much for them, but I am not always the most intentional parent and I yell. I hate these things about myself and I think that I am for sure ruining them. Here I am working so hard to prepare their environment so that they can learn and grow and reach everything they are meant to be, yet I yell and I don't take as much time as I should to be with them. Ugh. I want to be better. I want to make sure that I do everything I can to give my kids a happy life, but I cant control them. So all I can do is my best. My best to love them, to give them a peaceful home, and to guild their hearts to God. Yet it still guarantees nothing.
So what it boils down to is planting seeds. The bible tells us about the sower who sows seeds all over and how some of them fall on the ground, some on the path, some in the rich dirt. I know that Jesus is the sower,but we are his workers here in our home. So we are called by him to sow seeds. Seeds of Love, seeds of beauty, seeds of peace,  seeds of grace, seeds of understanding, seeds of forgiveness, seeds, and seeds of joy. However, sowing those seeds requires that we give them time. Everyone knows that a gardener doesn't just throw seeds down to get a good crop, he needs to water, weed, and carefully tend the ground in order to get the best results. Just so with our kids. We need to give them time. They need our careful tending when they are young, and they still need tending even as they grow! Our little plants grow fast, but there are still moments where they need us. Sometimes they need more care then at other time. If the sun is beating down on them relentlessly, then they may need water from us more then at others. Sometimes the weeds crop up and try to choke them out, and they need us to help them overcome. And sometime they are doing just fine and need to be left alone! This require so much observation on our end. Sometimes when kids ask us something really odd, there is something they are thinking about and they want us to talk with them. Sometimes they need a hug. Sometimes they want to be alone. Now I know my little kiddos are still really small, but I can already see the wisdom of letting them be when they need to be alone, and of letting them talk when they need to talk. Now just because I know doesn't mean I am always good at it. I tend to listen, while I'm on the computer, I tend to hug, but only at bed time, I want spend time with them, but I cant wait till they are all in bed! So what do I do to change? I apologize. I am not a perfect mommy, but then no one is.  We all have faults and so do our kids. We are all on a journey together and I hope that we can continue on that way!
I hope that this makes sence. It is alot of thoughts that have been swirling about in my head and I wanted to get them out! :) Thanks for stopping by and sharing thses thoughts with me! Happy Schooling!

Sparkles of Grace!!!!!

Today I read a blog post by Elizabeth Foss at In the Heart of My Home. She was pondering how her life reflects God's love and she said something that really stuck with my:

"What is my translation of the Bible as it is lived out in my own home and at the ballet studio and on the soccer sidelines and here in my small corner of cyberspace? Is it Christ? Is that obvious? Can you catch it? Does the way I live toss Christ high into the air in a million sparkling pieces of grace so that they fall about me everywhere and on everyone to be caught, even sometimes unawares?"

Does the way I live toss Christ high in the air in a million sparkling pieces of grace so that they fall about my everywhere and on everyone to be caught, even sometimes unawares? WOW! What a powerful question to ask. I love the imagery of sparkles in the air! Does my life look like that? Am I leaving sparkles everywhere for everyone?
I starting thinking about bits of glitter, you know that kind that we use on our kids crafts, that stuff goes everywhere! I mean, tiny dots of glitter on a paper can leave glitter in every room of the house! Awful for cleaning, but it is a great image of how we want our love to be. Do my bits of love and care spread about even when I only have a little bit? I would like to think so. I would like to think that each little thing I do can bring joy for more then just the moment it happens! It seems that having project time for my girls allows them to fell closer to me and they seem to be happier. Sparkles! I think that my husband feels better and more relaxed when I take the time to rub his feet. Sparkles. its the small bits that add up to big love! Think about the Gosple stories of Jesus, he did little thing. He heals the child, tells stories with friends, feeds hungry people. Not huge things that change the whole world at once, but small things that matter to real people in their daily life. He cares about all the things that are important to us, and most of the time those are small things! :) Just like glitter is small and get into everything, our actions can be small and make a diffence! It is a thought to ponder as I head into a new week.

What will I do this week to spread sparkles of Christ to those around me?