Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Overwhelmed~ part 2

So in mt last post I really needed to think and I used my dear blog to help me do just that! It worked. I was able to see what was wrong and out of balance. What happened was that I was in a sort of weird competition with my husband. He works crazy hard for our family so that we can all have what we need, and I feel bad that all I do is be at home with the kids. Now I know that this is a noble and hard job too, but he is working 16 hour days in weather that is in the 100s with humidity to rival a rainforset. It just doesn't seem that I can do enough here that will even put me in the same league as him. So yesterday I thought that I would start tearing the house apart in an effort to work hard enough to be at the same level as him. Yes I know that this is the most ridiculous thing ever, but it was how I was feeling. All that this did was create a hell for me and my kids that just wasn't good for anyone. So now that I see the problem, I could fix it. So when I got home I talked to my hubbie (who thought I was a wee bit crazy) and now that I have the issue out in the open I feel better, freer. This brings up an issue that I really think is a big one for many people~ competition. It is deadly to a relationship. With me in competition with my husband, I was not being sympathetic to what he was living through (I was irritated when he wanted me to rub is back or take a nap), I wasnt interested in being with him (hey we were competing and who wants to be with someone you are trying to beat?), it was slowly poisoning our marriage. This is not just something that happens in marriages though. I have caught myself unconsciencsly competing with my friends and with family. Sometimes their kids are better at somethings, or they are thinner, sometimes they work harder or they have cleaner homes. It is something that can easily make a person bitter and mean toward people they know simply because they are in a race to be better. The craziest thing is that the other person, like my husband, has no idea that you are competing. :) So here is to not competing about things that dont need to be competed with! Here is to being a nicer happier person!

Monday, July 25, 2011


Overwhelmed. This is how I am feeling right now in crazy HUGE amounts! I have literally been cry my eyes out for an hour. It started by being Monday (yes I know a horrible cliche). Monday is the day that I get my house cleaned for the week. Normally this is not a problem, its no fun, but not a problem. However this past week I have been feeling like my cabinets and closets are booby trapped to get me when I open them, and that the cobwebs are creeping toward me, and the dust bunnies are turning into armies! Yes it sounds funny, buts its not. So I thought that I should think about doing my yearly clean out early, but then the reality of all the work that that requires starts to hit me full force and I start to panic. Not just "ok calm down panic" but the real kind that says "I'm going to cry, dont get near me, I'm shaking like crazy". Dont get me wrong, my house isnt that bad. On the surface its pretty clean, but once you start to look close it gets bad. However the question that I have here isnt about how to clean the house (heck I can always pony up the money and hire someone to do it if it comes to that) its why the crazy emotional reaction? Why do I feel like if I dont get the house scrubbed to perfection that I will have failed as a wife and mother somehow. Huh? Thats crazy. What makes it crazier is that I KNOW its crazy and I still cant stop the feeling! I think that part of it comes from the fact that my husband works so hard. He has been working 12 hour days for weeks without rest because we are that busy (we have our own company) and I somehow feel that I should be working just as hard. But I dont, I stay home with the kids, cook decent meals (I'm not Martha Stewart, but the food is good), clean enough to make it look ok, and spend awful amounts of time on the computer. I also play with the kids, work on getting their school plan together for next year, and various other little things that all moms do (like scooping the dead rabbit into a bag that the dog killed and giving the dog a bath). When I put it all down I sound like I have it together, but I still feel lazy. I am doing all the things that I need to do, and I am tired and stressed feeling. That is not even having to be in the 107 degree temps that we have had. I should be working hard and doing more. Hence the "let me try and clean out the house". So with this very crazy reasoning, I dug into a couple of closets today with the girls. thought that it wouldnt be so bad. It was only 10 in the morning and I only needed to clean 3 bedrooms and the bathroom up there. I should easily be able to do that before noon right? Well......let me tell you what....I was crying, the kids were crying, everyone was yelling. It was not good. I did get the closets cleaned and I got two garbage bags of stuff to get rid of, but the rooms still need to be dusted and the beds still need to be made and the kids didnt get lunch and naps until really late. And that puts us here. I am writing (on my mom's advice whom I called in distress right before I put the kids down) to try and figure out what I should do. Overwhelmed. That is what I am. I feel like God is asking (or strongly suggesting) that I change quite a few areas in my life right now. I am working on changing how I eat and feel about food, changing how I talk to my kids, changing how I deal with my family, changing how I look at him, changing.....I just cant change any more right now and the thought of tearing my house to shreds just to clean seems like a ridiculous idea. I mean if I do one room a day it takes me easily 2 -3 weeks to get though everything. I cant do it. But that still leaves me with dust bunny armies and cabinets that are on the attack.
Well the kids just woke up so thats all for now. I hope I can find an answer while I make beds! :) I'll have to post the answer when I find it.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Time is more important.

Well once again the Lord has been hitting me over the head with the idea that I am not perfect! ;) This time it is about being a mom. I love my kids, I love their thoughts, and smiles, and games. But lately I have not taken the time to be with them. I am on the computer or working on something that I think is more important. This is hard for me to give up. I think that I find great purpose in working on my little projects for their school plan or for Church. Not that these things are bad or that I don't need to do them, just that I have lost balance. I so worried about doing them, that I am not taking the time to read or play or talk much with my kids! Yikes that sounds awful when its actually written out. This is something though that I am glad that the Lord has brought to my attention. I needed to see it. I think Its been a problem for a little while and could be part of the problem with behavior in them (they are looking for attention) and grouchy in me (i am not doing what I am supposed to be doing). So it is now time to practice what I preach. I need to respect my kids enough to get off the computer and interact with them as people. I need to apologize for that too. I read an article today about how we don't admit our own faults to our kids. When we yell at them (yes I do that sometimes) do we take the time to apologize for that unacceptable behavior? I don't always remember to do that. I have been working so hard here to find a good way for the girls to handle their emotion in a healthy way, but if I don't admit that I need to work on that too, then ho will they learn it right? I need to model the behavior that I want them to learn. So I think that something God is really leading me to is to make a prayer table (or in the Montessori world at peace table) in my home. Not as a way to replace timeouts or anything like that (there is a place for timeouts I think), but as a place for the girls and I to go when we are stressed, angry, or need a moment. I want them to calm down and talk, not just by themselves, but with God too. He should be a part of the process. I want them to handle emotion properly, but they cant do it alone (I never have at any rate). I want them to find it second nature to sit with God when they need help or are happy or are angry. I want them to feel at a young age that he is there as their friend. I think this will help. It can also be a place for me to pray and reflect. I'm not sure yet where this space will be, but I have an idea. I have some small chairs that the girls love to sit in, so I think that I will sew a small bag for the back of it to put their journals and prayer books in there. I want a statue of the Good Shepherd there too, so they can remember that God is with them. I will have to work on that this weekend! I am hoping that this will bring us all a little closer to God and each other!
What do yo do with your kids to help become better people?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Who is God?

Come on....we all ask it! Who is God? Have you ever stopped to think about who God is to you? God is all things, but this is so broad and huge! Like taking the time in school to narrow the topic for a paper, we sometimes need to narrow what God is so that we can begin to understand him better. We cant love something, without knowing what we love! So....here are my thoughts on what God is to me.
He is a friend, and more then that. He is close to me like my husband is, he loves me through the tantrums, through the good times, through the times when my obsessions in certain things veers outside of normal. He is big enough to handle my screaming profanities at him when I feel like the world is ending (usually this happens at night while I am alone in the shower), and he is capable of bringing me back down into a calmer state of mind that allows me to see when I have been unreasonable. He wants to know about my life and my worries, and my joys! He asks me to be a better person (sometimes gently and sometimes not). He has lead my life in twists and turns that have shocked and frightened me, but that turned out better then I could have ever imagined for myself! He never lets me down. He says now when I need it, and yes when it something that will bless my life forever! He is always there!
That I guess is the best way to say it. He is always there like a friend. No matter how many times I forget to talk to him or listen to him, he is always there, waiting, and listening to all the things that I have to say!
When I write all of this out I realize that it make me feel so much closer to him, to appreciate all the amazing things that he does for me. He gives me small blessings and big miracles. I take all of it for granted more then I would like to admit, I forget him for longer then I should, and still I know that I can reach out and he will be there waiting with love. What an amazing gift of love that is!

{Thank you God for all of this. For all the things that you are that I dont always remember to thank you for. For all the ways that you forgive, love, and bless me. Thanks you that I am able to have this always no matter what happens in my life! Please dont let me forget it (and if I do please remind me)! I want to always be thankful for you being you!}

Who is God to you?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Smallest Blessings!

File:Yellowgreen leaves-mbg1.jpg
I was out walking the other day and I happened to look up and see the most amazingly tiny, and perfect baby leaves up in a tree. They were so perfect and so sweet. I actually paused and looked at them. I thought about how amazing that God is to be able to make such small and perfect things! The next day I was out walking again, and I stopped at the same tree to see the leaves again. They were gone. Shriveled up in all the hot sun we have had. I was disappointed because I was going to take a picture. :) As I walked on I realized that those small leaves were a tiny gift of God that was just for me. Most likely I was that only one that saw them. They were too small to live in the heat we have had, and were only there for a short time. It made think that God loves us, me, so much that he made something that was there just to bless my life for a small moment. How many of those gifts do we not notice or that we don't realizes as a gift? How many small moments are just for us? Another example that came to mind while I was thinking was the time a couple of weeks ago that Pup came up to me a squished her cheek against mine and said "I love you Mommy. You are pretty". I have been having such a hard time with my self esteem and alot of it is due to weight. It amazed me that she said something that I needed to hear. She has never said that again to me or anyone else. It struck me that her saying that was a gift from God to me. God know just what we need to hear and sometimes her uses the voice of others to tell us!
What small gifts has God given you for a moment?

The Reason for this Blog

The past few days I have been thinking alot about life, what is important, and what amazing things I have been blessed with. This has left me with a great deal of thoughts that are all mixed up in my head. So to fix that I have started this blog! I have named it Peace, Love, and Blessing  because to me these are the three most important things that a person is given. Everything you could want is summed up in those words! This is my space to write about the inspirations, the blessings, and the beauty that God has given to me in my life! A place to remember the good and to reflect on things that need changing in me. I am on a path to become the best person that I can be, and this is the recorded journey! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inspirations as well! Peace and Smiles.