Overwhelmed. This is how I am feeling right now in crazy HUGE amounts! I have literally been cry my eyes out for an hour. It started by being Monday (yes I know a horrible cliche). Monday is the day that I get my house cleaned for the week. Normally this is not a problem, its no fun, but not a problem. However this past week I have been feeling like my cabinets and closets are booby trapped to get me when I open them, and that the cobwebs are creeping toward me, and the dust bunnies are turning into armies! Yes it sounds funny, buts its not. So I thought that I should think about doing my yearly clean out early, but then the reality of all the work that that requires starts to hit me full force and I start to panic. Not just "ok calm down panic" but the real kind that says "I'm going to cry, dont get near me, I'm shaking like crazy". Dont get me wrong, my house isnt that bad. On the surface its pretty clean, but once you start to look close it gets bad. However the question that I have here isnt about how to clean the house (heck I can always pony up the money and hire someone to do it if it comes to that) its why the crazy emotional reaction? Why do I feel like if I dont get the house scrubbed to perfection that I will have failed as a wife and mother somehow. Huh? Thats crazy. What makes it crazier is that I KNOW its crazy and I still cant stop the feeling! I think that part of it comes from the fact that my husband works so hard. He has been working 12 hour days for weeks without rest because we are that busy (we have our own company) and I somehow feel that I should be working just as hard. But I dont, I stay home with the kids, cook decent meals (I'm not Martha Stewart, but the food is good), clean enough to make it look ok, and spend awful amounts of time on the computer. I also play with the kids, work on getting their school plan together for next year, and various other little things that all moms do (like scooping the dead rabbit into a bag that the dog killed and giving the dog a bath). When I put it all down I sound like I have it together, but I still feel lazy. I am doing all the things that I need to do, and I am tired and stressed feeling. That is not even having to be in the 107 degree temps that we have had. I should be working hard and doing more. Hence the "let me try and clean out the house". So with this very crazy reasoning, I dug into a couple of closets today with the girls. thought that it wouldnt be so bad. It was only 10 in the morning and I only needed to clean 3 bedrooms and the bathroom up there. I should easily be able to do that before noon right? Well......let me tell you what....I was crying, the kids were crying, everyone was yelling. It was not good. I did get the closets cleaned and I got two garbage bags of stuff to get rid of, but the rooms still need to be dusted and the beds still need to be made and the kids didnt get lunch and naps until really late. And that puts us here. I am writing (on my mom's advice whom I called in distress right before I put the kids down) to try and figure out what I should do. Overwhelmed. That is what I am. I feel like God is asking (or strongly suggesting) that I change quite a few areas in my life right now. I am working on changing how I eat and feel about food, changing how I talk to my kids, changing how I deal with my family, changing how I look at him, changing.....I just cant change any more right now and the thought of tearing my house to shreds just to clean seems like a ridiculous idea. I mean if I do one room a day it takes me easily 2 -3 weeks to get though everything. I cant do it. But that still leaves me with dust bunny armies and cabinets that are on the attack.
Well the kids just woke up so thats all for now. I hope I can find an answer while I make beds! :) I'll have to post the answer when I find it.